


" Where do you put it when you ride a bike ?"

by areeskimosreal



Category: Peter Kay's Car Share (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 00:05:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20000704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/areeskimosreal/pseuds/areeskimosreal
Summary: Kayleigh shows her mischievous side. And has a question or two for John.Another funfic.





	" Where do you put it when you ride a bike ?"

**Author's Note:**

> Based on several conversations I've been privileged to overhear, with a bit poetic licence thrown in.

" What are you doing ?" John asked a wriggling Kayleigh 

" Eh ?" 

" I said,' What are you doing ? If I brake suddenly you'll get a bump " 

" And you'll get a bigger bump Johnathan, so go easy "

John pulled up at the lights, Kayleigh took the opportunity to unclip her belt and started wriggling even more vigorously. 

" Ah," she said and sighed.

" You okay ?"

" Fine John, just slackening my bra "

" You what ?" 

" My bra , I'm taking it off "

" In the car ?" John said.

" Uh huh, you have no idea how good it is to get your bra off at the end of the day , well not yet anyway "

" What do you mean by not yet ?"

" Well if you keep having sneaky biscuits, your moobies are gonna need something,"

" I don't have sneaky biscuits " 

" Oh you fibber, you so do " 

" Nah " 

" Liar liar bums on fire, Johnathan you have biscuits every day " 

" Aye we both do ,at night with a cuppa "

" But in between?" Kayleigh pressed.

" Nope " 

" Very well John, you leave me no option" with an exaggerated flourish Kayleigh took her phone out of her pocket.

" Right let's see shall we ?" she opened up a page on her phone.

" Monday, till 3 chocolate hobnobs, Tuesday till 3 again ,more chocolate hobnobs, Wednesday till 4 this time digestive biscuits, Thursday till 2 chocolate digestive, and today, need I go on John ?"

" Mistaken identity, happens all the time " John said smiling knowing full well he'd been rumbled. 

" Today " Kayleigh carried on ," kit kat multi pack , well Johnathan anything to say? " 

" I'm an addict ?" John shrugged.

" Guilty, bang to rights I'd say "

" How do you know all that ?" 

" I've told the till girls that you're on a low fat diet for your heart, which you are, and to let me know if you cheat so I can work it out through your meals " 

" And they agreed ?"

" You're well liked John, they don't want you to be unwell, and I'm too young to be a widow " 

" Sorry " John said patting her hand, " I impulse bought "

" But you still went to the tills I can't see from my kiosk eh ?"

" Naughty Johnathan " he chuckled.

Kayleigh shook her head and smiled, John's mum had been right, he was a thirty something year old toddler at times.

They pulled up at lights at road works , again. Kayleigh unclipped her belt, and after some grunting and groaning and some uncomfortable looking contortions she suddenly sat back and pulled her bra out of her jacket.

" Oh my God that is so so good " 

She held the bra up like a prize specimen to show John,

" Very nice love " 

" That John is a knack, getting that bugger off in the confines of a Fiat "

" Oh I don't know ,I've managed a few times, anyway he seems to like the style " he nodded out the passenger window .

Kayleigh turned to see the worker controlling the lights smiling at her, when she looked at him he winked and gave her the thumbs up.

" Shit " Kayleigh said snatching the bra out of view and sinking lower in her seat.

John chuckled as he drove off. Eventually Kayleigh saw the humour in the scenario and sniggered. 

" Are my man boobs really getting bigger ?"

John asked squeezing his own chest.

" Chloe would die for them put it that way " 

" Really?" 

" Keep going the way you are John and I'll get a bra off Mandy for you, hers should fit "

" Aye they're smaller than yours right enough, hers seem to be higher up too, they're a different shape too, more sort of upturned, if you can call breasts upturned, whereas you are fuller more rounded, although they look to be just as firm. Mandy doesn't have the same degree of ……."

Suddenly John realised what he was saying , he looked at Kayleigh, she had twisted around in her seat and was sitting arms crossed looking at him, normally that would have raised alarm bells, the huge grin on her face however showed she found what he was saying funny.

" Well Johnathan, It's nice to know that you prefer my breasts to those of my younger sister, but somewhat alarming that you've paid hers so much attention "

" I eh, I mean I eh ! " a flustered John tried to explain.

" Oh I forgot she flashed you before " 

" Accidentally,once, I've only seen them once honest "

" You have an eye for detail as far as boobs are concerned, I'll give you that John "

" I like boobs " John grinned.

" I know you do " she smiled " and mine are definitely best ?"

" Definitely , cross my heart " 

" Right answer John, right answer "

They drove on for a bit not speaking just listening to the music.

" Mandy hates the fact that she has to pay the same price for her bras as I do for mine, she reckons that as mine have more material in them they should cost more "

" Fair enough " 

" No it's not, I've got size 4 feet " 

" Eh, what's your bloody feet size got to do wi it ?"

" Well she's a 7 and I pay the same for shoes as she does , so it balances out " 

John just shook his head and drove on . 

Once again Kayleigh started wriggling, John was driving along a busy street now, and didn't have the opportunity to ask or watch what she was doing , as he manoeuvred around a double parked van, he heard her giggle. She was sitting half turned away from him, she buttoned her jacket and threw her blouse in his lap. 

" Jesus are you ………" 

" Might be " she smiled .

" Mother of God, what are you doing, trying to tease me to death?"

" Mine are definitely best ?" Kayleigh asked again.

" Aye definitely " John chuckled.

As they slowed for even more lights , Kayleigh glanced around .

" These ones here , are they the best ?" She flashed her ample charms, then covered up as another car pulled alongside. 

" God almighty " 

" John" she said "eyes front , the lights are changing " 

She sat with a huge smile for the next few minutes.

So did John.

Every now and again, out of the corner of her eye , Kayleigh caught John trying to look down her jacket front, she turned quickly and caught him.

" What on earth are you doing ?"

" Nowt " 

" Yes you were, you were sneaking a peek weren't you ?"

A blushing John just nodded .

" Why ?" Kayleigh questioned.

" I dunno do I, I just was ?" He shrugged.

" You only have to ask John, I am your wife after all " 

" Really ?"

" Really " 

" Show me your boobs then love " 

" No I will not you dirty pig " Kayleigh crossed her arms ,but smiled at John. 

" You got me there, you bloody mad woman"

" Were you breastfed John?"

" Aye, why ?" 

" That explains a lot " 

" Explains what ?"

" Nothing really, just a theory of mine "

" Mmm" 

" Can I get a foot massage when we get home John?" Kayleigh asked changing the subject. 

" Sore again are they ?" 

" More tired than sore , can I?"

" Of course you can" 

" Excellent " 

Kayleigh slid her skirt up a bit and brought her knee up to take her shoe off and rub her foot, she inadvertently flashed the top of her black lace top hold up .

As they stopped in traffic, she looked around to find John staring .

" Really ? " she said stopping what she was doing and stared back .

" What ?"

" Have you popped a Viagra or something?"

" No " John said defensively. 

" You're acting like a horney bloody schoolboy " 

" I am not " an affronted John replied .

" Trying to have a look at my boobs and now staring at my stocking tops " 

" They look good that's all " 

" John, you see me naked every day, going to bed, getting out of bed, getting dressed, I always wear these " she pulled her skirt a little higher and pointed to her stockings " you see me put them on and take them off, I'm not shy around you, am I ?" Kayleigh said in exasperation. 

" No " 

" So, what is it ?" 

" I don't know, I can't help it, it's just, well i dunno" 

" Your mum was right " 

" About me ?"

" No, men in general, their major design fault " 

" Which is ?"

" God gave them a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to use one of them at a time " 

" Mum said that?" John was gobsmacked.

" I cleaned it up a bit " Kayleigh smiled, " she actually said co……" 

" I bet she did " John interrupted. 

As they got nearer home, they both sat quietly thinking .

" Can I ask you something John ?"

" Of course " 

" It's about your penis ?" 

" My what ?" John was taken aback somewhat. 

" Your penis, Mister winkie, the bald bishop, little John whatever you want to call it " 

" What about it ?"

Kayleigh twisted around to face him.

" Where do you put it when you ride a bike ?"

John didn't answer, he just laughed riotously. Only stopping to wipe his eyes .

" Good one love" 

" Well ?"

" Well what ?" 

" Where do you put it ?"

" Are you serious love ?" John asked.

" Yes, I've wondered about that for years, and now as I have unrestricted access to one so to speak, I'd like to know "

" It doesn't go anywhere, it stays right where it is " 

" Don't you crush it ?"

" No " 

" Squash it ?" 

" No " 

" Squeeze it ?

" No "

" Flatten it ?"

" No it's fine where it is, we sit on the bit further back, it is well out of the way " 

" Interesting, it's good having a husband to ask about these things" she said patting his hand.

" Yes it must be " John said Sarcastically. 

" Can you only use one at a time then, is that bit true ?"

" One at a time ?"

" Big brain " a smiling Kayleigh pointed to John's head , or ………….." She could see him smiling in anticipation,." ………. little brain " she finished pointing to his groin.

" No we can use both, not necessarily in equal measure but we can use both "

" Now I know " Kayleigh turned back around to face the front.

" Anything else you want to know ?"

" No thank you Johnathan, not now anyway " 

" Good" 

" Although " 

" Here we go" thought John .

" If you think about it logically, men should wear dresses and skirts, because you need the room, and women should wear trousers as anatomically we're better suited to them "

John thought for a minute then nodded.

Eventually they pulled into their drive.

As per usual John walked around the car and opened Kayleigh's door for her. She smiled suspiciously as she got out.

" Before we go in John, do you definitely think mine are best ?"

As she spoke she loosened all but one jacket button, then paused seductively. 

" Yes, oh yes " 

" Want to double check ?" 

John nodded.

" Go get the exercise bike out the shed and bring it in " 

" The exercise bike ?" 

" Yes John, the exercise bike " 

" Why ?"

" Oh, it's just a little experiment I need your help with " 

John stood and watched her walk away, when the penny finally dropped, he chuckled and headed to the shed.


End file.
